Suppose you’re a bachelor living with your grouchy old maid aunties. Life isn’t great, but you know, you’re used to it. It’s just how things are. You’ve heard of men getting married to nubile young women and enjoying the blessings of marriage and family, but then you’ve heard of billionaires and swashbuckling adventurers too. That’s a different life, a far-off abstract thing which you will never know. It’s not like you curse the heavens on a daily basis because of those aunties.

Then one day Jennifer Connelly calls you up and says she’d love to get together with you for a double mochachino half-caf at the Starbucks down the street from your place. Could this be? You never really thought this kind of thing was possible. You’re some loser who lives with his aunties! Jennifer Connelly wants a mochachino with you? Impossible!

So you meet with her a few times, and you really hit it off. You begin to wonder, could there be a beautiful woman in the world just for you? She looks you in the eye. She smiles at you. She touches your arm. She laughs at your jokes. She really seems to appreciate your Holy Grail and Homestar Runner quotes! You haven’t even hit first base (you’re an honorable man), but still, you didn’t know life could be like this. And every night the smell of your aunties’ St. John’s Voodoo Ginkonecea Zinger tea gets a little more noisome, their snoring a little more shrill.

Then one day her agent calls you and tells you she has to break it off with you. Remember, you’re some dweeb who lives with his aunties, he tells you. You aren’t exactly a crowd-pleaser, if you know what I mean, and the people who manage the lives of big stars need to think of these things. Nothing personal, but you won’t be able to see her again.

Remember before Jennifer, how things didn’t seem so bad with your aunties? Now the smell of their tea is death, their snoring cacophony. You never knew life could be so cruel.

Except the funny thing is, life hasn’t really changed.

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• Posted by Tim on Friday, August 26, 2005 at 4:02:57 pm PDT
• Category: Miscellany
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